mr ambulance driver, im not the real survivor

So my last blog had sad undertones.

i just want to make it clear that im not sad.

simply nervous, excited, anxious and ambitious.


I am so grateful for everything. I may get down sometimes but i always feel loved.

Kelly: I miss her a whole damn lot. I think we both took advantage of the fact that we lived in the same city for a year. now she is not here and i am really regretting not spending more time with her. at the same token im so proud of her for going to santa barbara and really doing what is best for her future even though its been really tough on her. (i find this inspirational)


Family: My little brother (who isnt so little anymore) has actually become one of my friends. he has turned into a great guy who is actually full of tidbits of wisdom and wit. He is smart and funny and i love him pretty much more than anything in the whole world. although he is gigantic he will always be my baby brother. and my mom, oh boy, my mom. There arent really words to describe our relationship. it has changed so many times over the last ten years. its almost like mania, extreme highs and extreme lows. I really like how things are now though. I trust her more than ever and i believe that she trusts me also. After all these years I have finally realized her wisdom and unconditional love. i am so grateful for all the experiences the three of us have had together. And now that everyone is grown up, im sure the future will be even greater.


Brad: The love I have for brad is different from any other emotion I have felt before. I love every part of him. His brain, his hands, his heart..... all of it. He makes me laugh every chance he gets. Not only that but: he is a wonderful cook, impossible to beat at scrabble, he plays my favorite songs on his organ, he has a great respect for all other people, if he wants something he will get it, he does not know what he wants to do with his live but he is trying so hard to figure it out that i know when he does it will be something no one ever expected from him. (especially his mom who told him that he and his brother are both too scared to grow to the best of their abilities) I cant wait to see what the future will bring for him and for us. what an amazing little bear....


more blabbering to come....

cant you see whats happening on the sidewalk?

I have finally admitted to myself that going to Canada to work with my dad is really the best thing for me. That said, im fucking scared. I feel like there are so many decisions to make. Maybe its premature and I should wait.... but Im the type of person who likes to know exactly what is going to happen at all times. I am a firm believer in plans.


Here in lies the problem, Brad. Whereas Brad himself is not a problem at all, our relationship is presenting one. He said to me, "Maybe our paths are going to split for a while and then they will come back together." As right as he may be, that is a very strong statement. I cannot imagine spending an entire year away from him. I also cannot imagine (or dont want to).

He is my best friend, lover, confidant, family. How do i walk away from him? Or is it really walking away?

Shit.

My thoughts are scattered all over the pavement.....
(ill leave this one to bon iver)

Come on skinny love just last the year.
Pour a little salt, we were never here
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall

Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind

In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"

I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines



Come on skinny love what happened here

Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines



Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

reggae madness

I went to my first reggae concert on saturday night. I danced and danced and danced and danced. It was fantastic.


I think I may have found a new hobby.